Autistic Mothers Celebrate Mother’s Day Too

Segment 1

 

Transcript

 

Autistic Mothers Celebrate Mother’s Day Too

 

May 7^th, 2023

 

 

Welcome everyone to Today’s Autistic Moment: A Podcast for Autistic Adults by an Autistic Adult.  My name is Philip King-Lowe. I am the owner, producer, and host; and I am an Autistic Adult. Thank you so much for listening.

 

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Today’s Autistic Moment is a free podcast that gives Autistic Adults access to important information, helps us learn about our barriers to discover the strengths and tools we already have to use for the work of self-advocacy. 

 

This first segment of Today’s Autistic Moment is sponsored by The Autism Society of Minnesota: Minnesota’s First Autism Resource.  For over 50 years The Autism Society of Minnesota has been honored to support Minnesota’s Autism Community. Visit them online at ausm.org.

 

Thank you for joining me on this episode: Autistic Mothers Celebrate Mother’s Day Too.  My guest is Rose Carriero.

 

Please visit todaysautisticmoment.com where you can listen to the podcast, get transcripts, program updates, and read the guest bios pages.  Please visit the updated Future Shows Page with the titles, guests, and descriptions of all the shows coming up through October.  The transcripts are sponsored by Minnesota Independence College & Community. The transcripts can be read and followed from the website, or you can click on the link provided to be taken to a written document to print and read it there.  While visiting the website, please consider supporting the work of Today’s Autistic Moment with a financial donation or purchase an item from the Logo Shop.

 

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Please join my panelists and I on May 24^th, at 2:00pm central standard time for Autistic Voices Roundtable Discussions: How Autistics Define Success on my YouTube channel @todaysautisticmoment.  Success is defined by a culture of ableism, sexism, racism, and the neurotypical majority.  Success is measured and determined by capitalism in how much money one earns and/or by the property we own.  As Autistics, each one of us decides what success means through our Autistic identity and talents.  Join the panel on May 24^th to hear how the panelists define success as Autistic individuals.

 

Before I introduce the topic and the guest, I want to say a public thank you to The Autism Society of Minnesota for a fantastic 2023 Minnesota Autism Conference.  It was a pleasure to meet so many of my new and current listening audience in Minnesota who visited the resource table for Today’s Autistic Moment.  One of the great bonuses this year was that I was able to meet Eric Garcia in person.  Eric gave an outstanding Keynote Address about the Past, Present and Future of Autism Policies.  You can read much of what he spoke about in his book We’re Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation. 

 

Last November, you heard my conversation with Nicky Collins about Autistic Parents Raising Autistic Children.  Since May 14^th is Mother’s Day, this episode is about Autistic Mothers Celebrating Mother’s Day Too. 

 

Rose Carriero is my returning guest for this show.  In March of 2022, Rose was my guest for Adult Autistic Women.  That episode has been played over 400 times since it was published.  I am so happy to have Rose back for this show.  Rose was diagnosed after her Autistic son was, and since then has been on a journey of being a loving and receptive mother. 

 

After this first commercial break, Rose will talk about how accepting her son has been so crucial for her to accept herself.  Stay around after the commercial break for this very meaningful conversation.

 

Commercial Break I

 

 

Segment 2

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Rose, welcome back to Today's Autistic Moment. It is so wonderful to have you back. And thank you for being here today.

 

Rose Carriero 

As usual, I'm so happy when we get to the exchange. And I am thrilled to do this with you again.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, definitely. Well, to help my audience, here in the United States. Anyway, Mother's Day is always in May. And so, during the month of May, I'm having this conversation with you Rose about Autistic Mothers Celebrate Mother's Day Too. And then coming in June, I'm going to have another show with Daren Howard, who is an Autistic father, and it will be Autistic Fathers Celebrate Father's Day Too. Because I want to kind of give my audience and also those who may be Autistic mothers or fathers some conversation to have about being an Autistic mother, or an Autistic father, I think it's very important to have these conversations because of, of how we continue to be stereotyped and all the rest. So, I'll begin with my first question, as I do always, what important information do you feel that Autistic Adults and our caregivers need to know when we talk about Autistic mothers? So go ahead.

 

Rose Carriero

Um for one, I think the biggest issue is that we, as Autistics, we struggle with a lot of stuff. Which could be just like communication, we know that communication is a great barrier. So that to remember that when parents are speaking especially about their children that have also needs or have struggles, that whatever you're going to say about our children, you're saying about us. So, every time I hear parents, a specialist, or even a well-intended family member that says, oh, but you know, blah, blah, blah, but my son, and I look at them, and I either get oh yeah, but you're not that kind of Autistic, which is a whole other issue. But at the same time, I've been that child, I wasn't an adult, all the time. So, there's that double, you get this, it knocks you down, because you know, you start believing it. And, or it makes you have to defend two people. Because, you know, you're like, you know, you feel like as much as your child's not being seen, you're not being seen, as you know. And sadly, my son is my youngest is 20. And so, he's finishing his education, I guess you would call it at 21. And I noticed that, you know, it sounds like they've given up because he does go to a school that was built for children with disabilities. So, it was like the perfect place for him. And but it's not really seen as a place for education. It's a place for them to learn life skills, because, well, what are they going to do with education, you know? And so, that hit me really hard because I didn’t, I don't have an education. I wasn't able to, and I wasn't able because not because I'm not smart enough. But it was because there was beliefs. You know, we were called lazy. We all you procrastinate. You can't decide. Yes, I know. You're always asking questions and disturbing everybody. Well, if I don't ask, I don't know. Then I advance so I started being quiet and therefore, you know, became invisible. So, it's brought back a lot of my struggles. And they're still the struggles of a lot of the younger generation. So, it becomes, like I said, you're constantly faced with the reality of what people still can perceive about Autistics, and there's no barrier, like, you don't, you don't get a shield, like I showed my child from a lot of time, you know, but as a parent, you don't have that shield. And then as a vulnerable parent, because you are facing often your worst fears as, as, as a person and as an adult, because you're like, Oh, I wonder if I'm weird. And you're like, you know, your child can be a little weird at times, and you're like, Okay, so, you know, it's, it's painful. And it's exhausting. And it's often done alone. A lot of parents who are Autistic. Either two things are like, Oh, well, you know what you're talking about you, I can't help you. Or they don't see the big deal. You know that they will. I go see my, my children's teacher, you know, they tell me that he's, you know, talks too much in class. And so, they'll minimize it, because I'm assuming that point and normalize it like, you know, don't worry, we understand. And you're like, yeah, no, no, so it's very lonely. So, it's just to remember that we have extra struggles that we want them or not. Even when I come prepared, and I know my stuff, I have to prove it. I have to prove what I'm saying is real and correct. And even though I'm Autistic, it's still Yes, but the education says this, yes. But the specialist said this. So, you have to cut Yeah, you're like battling a whole bunch of people, when you shouldn't have when you're just trying to get the best thing for your child. And remember that if we are in trouble in the sense that we're out of spoons, or out of strength that it's okay to, you know, ask us what you can do, can you do something, and, you know, maybe you can't, but sometimes just knowing that, you know, we used to laugh, I kid you not when parents would say I have to go to a PSI is what you guys call it, because I know in English and in French is different, personal. It's a, you know, to tell you how your child's going to behave and everything or what they're going to do for your kid. And we actually had to be there for parents when they came back. Because it would come back in tears, and devastated. And we knew what that was like. So, I mean, I, as a parent, I have other children. I never had to do that with my other kids. When I went to see their teachers, or, you know, it was like, Yeah, okay, yes, I know. Okay, so, but now, it's like, you're given a list of what your child hasn't yet accomplished. And so, you're, you're going, Yeah, I know, I have to do things I haven't accomplished either, by the way. And, you know, and they're going Yeah, but you know, if he wants to be a part of society, and, you know, contribute, well, he needs these things. And I'm like, I don't even have those things. How am I supposed to, you know, so it becomes, I feel a lot of parents feel like we're defending our younger selves, and our children, and it's constantly.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. One of the things I'm interested in Rose is the relationship you have with your Autistic son, and your other children. How is that? How does that work as an Autistic mother talk a little bit about, about how that works for you.

Rose Carriero

Um, I've come to understand my oldest is 31. And my youngest, like I said, is 20. I've come to understand that all my children are neurodiverse in their own way, so there's that. But I would I it made because I'm Autistic. I'm also very, contrary to belief, very empathetic, and so I could understand the needs when people just saw once. I think that was my big, big, you know, when I see a child having a meltdown or tantrum, because they're like, you know, I see a child distressed. I see a child that needs to be, to feel safe somehow to feel that there's, there's a plan. There's something that they either have control over or whatever. And because I live that a lot, I automatically gave that to my kids as the first thing. And I think that helped them to be able to be themselves. And be okay with it. Because moms like that in, you know, she accepts herself. And we do things are weird around mom, and mom doesn't mean they're weird at all. So, it gave them a sense of security. And I think as a parent, as an Autistic parent, that's the best. That was my best tool for them. That was the best I wasn't, I've never been a parent, you know, a parent that tells you, you got to do this. My kids didn't have chores, my kid lended a hand when we needed it. My kids weren't told, you know, I never gave them a timeframe because I knew that I couldn't work in a timeframe, like everybody else I could not. So, it was automatically letting them allowing them to just be. And I do believe it's because I'm Autistic. I'm only okay when I can be myself. And so, I wanted to give them a place to start off with a foundation that said, even if other people don't get it, it's still okay to be yourself. Yeah, I think that was it. Of course, there was that other side that I understood my kids need for stemming, I understood my kids. I understand what meltdown was. I remember, the first time my son had a meltdown in public. And people would come say things to me, like, you know, give him for a week. And you'll see he won't do these things anymore, you know. And right away, I couldn't understand how other people didn't see it as what it really is a child that is just not in a good place. And not that he's being disrespectful, or that we're not, you know, raising him properly. And so that allowed my children to be able to have a meltdown without shame, which is a huge thing, at least for me. And for the Autistics that I've talked about that once, when you're in that meltdown, and you come off of it, and it lasts longer, because now you have to face whatever you've done or not done. And I'm a self-harmer. So, I've done. So, it was like, and I could not tell anybody at that point, because I knew nobody that would understand me. So, I wanted my children to know that I understood and that I, I would still be there. I would not. You know, I guess I gave them what as the Autistic child that I was, would have needed.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Oh, yeah. Back in November, I interviewed Nicky Collins. And it was, again, Autistic Parents Raising Autistic Children. And one of the things that Nicky said that I find very interesting, she says, Sometimes our triggers can be our children's triggers, and the other way around as well. And sometimes she finds that her triggers and the triggers of her Autistic child are clashing. So, you want to talk about some of that for yourself?

 

Rose Carriero 

Yeah, I've heard that too. I was actually our situation was funny if we can call it that way. Whereas my soothers were my son's triggers. And my son's soothers were my triggers. So yeah, was that needed? How can I say this some out of the box thinking so like me music soothe me and the louder and the better and, and my son does not want that. So, my son would come and turn it off. So, I had to find I couldn't put headphones on because in case he needed me and called me. So, we found those outside ear things where I can have my music privately. And he can have his peace privately and it's when he because he walks when he's very. He needs to figure things out. He walks and he walks very heavily. And for some reason that scares me. It makes me panic. So, I asked him what we talked about how sound and how downstairs if he does that. It doesn't do that scary sound for mom. So, he got like Okay, we found, you know, I can do it there. And it's so satisfying for him. So, it in a way was difficult because, you know, like I said, sometimes you're like, oh, okay, I have at times you're like it showed us that you can adapt the house. Can I mean, Autistics are adaptable, we are adapting by being rigid, we're not rigid. We're rigid. when things make sense. If something, somebody brings something to us, we are also quick to say, Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Okay, let's do that. And it just becomes because the logic is there. So, there's no need to work it in. It just is. So yeah, that is like, it is it can be a blessing. And it can be on certain days. And that's when other people can step in. That's when other people can say, you know, he needs this. So, you know, what I'm you go you for a couple minutes and all go there. So, support is important. And honestly, I tell my son, you know, oh, my God, what you're doing, I call it a 10. When I'm at 10 that means that moments just like too much. And so, he'll so cute, you know, do like a tip toe. So, he's a little lighter. And I go, No, but that's okay, that's for you. You need it. You're good. Mommy, I'm just telling you if you see me react, this is why it's not you. It's me. And it led me to why does this trigger me? And then when I went through triggers, they were still there. But at least now I feel like I have a bit of control, which allows us to, you know, have that time of stepping back before we're just like gobbled up in it. And I also was able to pass that to Lucas, to say, remember, when you saw me do that, and it was too much? I think this is too much for you. So, it was he got to see someone else be triggered, and how they dealt with it. So, like, and my son, my son, too, sometimes will do things. And I'm like, What a great idea. Yeah, next time, that's what I'm gonna do too. So, again, it's a different thing and noticing. It is very different. It's more difficult, I don't think I get beaten by his Autism over mine. I'm, I guess I'm vulnerable. Vulnerability is the importance. So, whoever is the most vulnerable is the person that I guess gets to go first on making themselves feel as they need to be to be able to be functional. So sometimes it's mom, and sometimes it's not. And that's okay. So, but I definitely understand, especially when you're younger, the need for you. And sometimes you just, you don't have those spoons to give them you don't. And of course, it goes on to you feel like you're failing them. And you know, if you weren't Autistic, you would be able to do this because the other parents handle it. So, it adds on. But once you don't know you have to get to a point that you're you really believe that you're doing the best that you can at that moment, maybe not the best of your life moments. And that's okay. Yeah.

 

After this next commercial break, Rose will talk about the lack of educational resources for Autistic mothers, and why it is important that Autistic mothers accept their children’s needs so they can accept and look after their own Autistic needs. Please stay tuned.

 

Commercial Break II

 

 

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Segment 3

 

Philip King-Lowe 

What are the barriers for Autistic mothers? And I've we've talked about a lot of these we've talked about, we've talked about, you know, socially. Forgive me a second the social connections that you have that you make, and again, it goes back to what you and I talked about over a year ago, is the perception of Autistic women. And so, I have to ask this question, because how does that perception often impact being an Autistic mother? You know, I mean, you've talked about it and actually, my two guests this past March talked about it, that there are those perceptions that happen. And there are those moments of what Carol Jean Whittington calls "neuro distinct burnout." You know, that's how she uses the word, and you know, and she said, part of what is so difficult for her is learning her own sensory profile and learning to adapt that to whatever she happens to be doing. So, I'm sure you can speak to a lot of that. So go ahead.

 

Rose Carriero 

I agree you do. You know, that's the I think what disadvantaged women a lot was that a lot of us got looked over, because the criteria at that point was, they were looking for one thing, and that we weren't that then, you know, we got looked over. And so, then we either get, oh, well, now you think you're Autistic, because your child is Autistic. That's all, you know. So, we get that little. And then it was? Oh, yeah. But you're not the same kind of Autistic? Because I mean, obviously, you raised kids. So, you know, you don't need that kind of help. Yeah, yeah. So, there's a lot of, and that would trigger stuff in me. So as much as I need to learn who I am, and I, I've been doing that. I also need to know how some of the struggles I had weren't my struggles. They were things that were put in front of me, that were not made for me. And because I didn't have another option, it was difficult to do. So, I know we've done me and my partner we did parents group, conferences or seminars, learn about it was actually called living life to the eyes of your child, your Autistic child. And most of it didn't make sense to me. Most of it, I was looking like, ouch. No, but it was very, it was weird because nobody else seemed to see this. And then this Autist dad, spoke up and started saying that, and he was diagnosed. And right away. Everybody's like, Oh, yes, yes. Go ahead. Tell us. So, when I got diagnosed, I was like, finally. Okay. Someone's gonna listen to when I think yeah, no, that didn't work out either. So, there's an inbound and I'm not sure. Why if it's because we I think we're great mimickers because I think we are given tools very, very, very young. Like brooms, and pans, and all that, that we can look around and see other people we could see other people using. You know, I always say my, my partner used to play cowboys and Indians. It's not like he was looking at, sorry for that word completely in that point. And I was like, and you were gonna grow up to be what a cowboy? No, I was just for fun. Well, we didn't have that for fun. A lot of us didn't, it was jobs, our work, we had dolls, we had to feed and change their diapers, we had brooms and, and bowls to wash and make the food in those kitchen. And there's nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with that. But it gave us an advantage. Because when we grew up, we knew that the stove, you know, we knew what it was for. But at the same time, it's almost like we become marginalized in the Autism community. Because obviously, we can do this, this, this, and this. But they don't understand that it's just automatic. It's not I understand, it takes me years to understand what people meant by things. I understood what they were saying. The words were very clear, but the intent that the meant in it was not. So, it takes time to untape it apart and say, No, actually, this is society's misrepresentation of whatever and because of that I'm struggling. If you remove that away from me, I'm gonna struggle probably for other things, but that won't be as big of a struggle, and it will maybe allow me to find better ways easier way so that it becomes even less of a struggle. So, it's, it's I associated a lot with, especially now the transgender, because there's even a division in the transgender between transwomen transmen and it's like, I want to say, Okay, this is isolated. It's not it. It makes our, our, our ability to be seen, it takes longer, we have to do more be seen.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

And let's, let's, let's also say that it's not like there is a whole lot of educational opportunities or opportunities to learn. I mean, we you learn in schools and various things about being a parent or a mother or father, but it's not like they actually have these moments. So, you know, what if you happen to be an Autistic Mother, you know? They don't have these things to sort of give you some sense about what you're going to do. And I mean, it's not like a lot of a lot of schools that Autistic children are going to necessarily have these resources. I mean, the lack of those resources affects every part of the neurodivergent communities. But because we focused on autistic adults here, you know, again, it's not like there's these organizations, or people or teachers out there to help Autistic mothers, you know, learn how to be an Autistic mother. And, you know, to really work with that. So, I'm sure you can say a lot to that.

 

Rose Carriero 

I, I fully agree, I've always felt a bit like the weird parent, because of the fact that I, you know, punishment for me what didn't make sense, it never made sense. So, you know, I would do a lot of things. And I became insecure, because, you know, Freud and this doctor, and this psychologist said this, and you know, you have to do this and if you don't do that, and so, I had the sense of that, what I thought being a mother was, was going to turn my children into this delinquency. Because when I started looking at the books, because I funnily enough, I went to study in early childhood education, and the books made, it's for an Autistic. It didn't make sense. It's kind of so weird, I have to say, as an Autistic because everybody else that was in the class, kind of like, we're like, okay, yeah, we agree. We agree. And I'm like, yeah, no, you know, like I said, tensions people have this. First thing meltdowns and tantrums were interchange. And then people are like, Oh, no, they're not a brat. It's a meltdown, not a tantrum. And I was like, okay, either way, the child's not a brat, like turning. So, it's, I wish I had parents saying, You know what you feel like that. I did, too. I think that this is just a child that's struggling. I don't that, you know, what society told us that we should do would be right for us and that child in our home. So, I wish we had mentor groups. I keep talking about AA as Alcoholics Anonymous, but I go, you know, we do the AU. So that it's, you know, people who have gone through it, who have that experience and that knowledge, helping the first timers, the helping them, just supporting them. Even if it's not getting information, but saying, you know, I understand that I've been there. And you know, what, yes, it's doable. It's doable. So, I don't know I, I, I agree with you. I've been trying for years to get the schools around me to get me to, to bring me in and talk to the teachers as an Autistic, I don't want to tell you what to do. I'm just gonna explain Autistic what I call Autistic tidbits. So, I will tell you things about Autistics that we need, then it's you to figure out, how do you provide that to people? I'm not going to tell you, when you see an Autistic do this. You know when you see a meltdown do this. No, no, no, no, no, I'm going to tell you, Well, each person you're going to ask them can't when you're not. If you're feeling like you're going to go there, what do you need for me? Do you need to know, and listen, listen, and respect that. I think it would avoid so many so much trauma. I think the need for ABA therapies, parents would see that they don't need that. They don't need that. I awas convinced by people who knew more than me that my son needed BA. It didn't take long that I saw. So clearly, the impact, the negative impact. And then when I tried to say it, I get we know what we're doing. Yeah. Then when I'm a parent as an Autistic, like and I say and they're like, Yeah, but it's always been done like this. And so, we're kind of like shushed and diminished, no matter where we stand. You know, if I was too Autistic, then I wouldn't be, you know, capable of taking good decisions for my children. If I'm not enough Autistic with an eye, am I really understanding my children? And you're like, yes, yes, yes. And I wish I wish people would give us so much more chances and I'm grateful. But it took an Autistic to say, You know what, I'm going to help other Autistics.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I hate that. That presumption of incompetence that comes through comes from both angles. There's the one that says that, you know, if you are Autistic, you are incompetent in this, this, this, and that. And if you are competent in those things, there's a presumption that you can't possibly be, because Autistics are incompetent in this criteria. And so, you know, the, the, the, the option for neurodiversity in there is just so you know, being Autistic is not linear. It's, it's, it's not linear, it's a sphere, and everybody fits into that sphere, regardless of what you know what they can and can't do. But to help, you know, both caregivers and society as a whole to understand that we are not limited to a set of stereotypes, each of us is different. Some of us can understand the science of the world, while other people can do mathematics about as brilliantly as they can do it. Some are fantastic authors, others are just amazing analysts who figure out, you know, the distance between one place and another, they can do all those things. It's not a matter of how intelligent or unintelligent is. And in my, in my do's and don'ts on Today's Autistic Moment, I specifically say the problem with the low functioning label, is there the presumption of incompetence that is devastating to the individual and the caregiver, that is absolute, and it's cruel. But you know, I mean, these presumptions of incompetence, if you're Autistic, you must not be able to be a mother, because there are these things you can't do. Or if you are, but you can do. You know, you say you can do whatever good things you can do, then you might be faking. That's why, you know, that's why the functioning labels, I've said this before, the functioning labels and all of that, the criteria that's done by medical diagnoses, you know, I'm just going to tell my audience and you that this upcoming October, I am going to have a terrific guest, it's going to be Nick Walker, the author of Neuroqueer Heresies, and one of the things that that Nick has done is talked about the pathological paradigm versus the neurodiversity paradigm. That, and these are the two spheres and why the neurodiversity paradigm is so very important, because it outlines the fact that of, we're not just a matter of a medical prognosis or a medical pathology. You know, there's the neurodiversity that says, we're just different, not disordered. You know, so, you know, all of that's kind of coming up in the fall, and I'm looking so forward to having Nick talk in the Fall. Now I want to talk about are my famous, you know, what steps do Autistic Adults, and our supporters need to take to advocate for the needs of Autistic mothers? Here's where I kind of want to shift our focus a little bit Rose. Okay. What's so awesome about being an Autistic mother? I mean, I mean, there are these. I mean, I know we have those things that are problematic. And I don't doubt that. But there are some things about being an Autistic mother, that must be awesome. So, let's talk about those. And to my audience who hears this, I want you to think about that part of the advocacy that I'm talking about. For all the stuff that I do on Today's Autistic Moment, is about emphasizing the positives are things that we excel at. So go ahead, Rose.

 

Rose Carriero

That's great. Um, I'm, I'm very curious. And I think a lot of Autistics are for different reasons. I think we'd like to know things I like. So, I'm constantly trying stuff out and looking into things and discussing things. So, it brings so much diversity to my kids. It and I'm an artist, so I'm constantly creating and so I think that that allows that. That innocence when we're small that everything is so wonderous. I have that to this day, and I think a lot of Autistics do actually so we're you know, we are contagious. It’s contagious. So, I have my kids got my, you know, who's the best chess player? And did you know that him and Bobby Fischer. And so, he doesn't even play chess this child, but it was new. And it was extraordinary. So, he wanted to share it. And we, we do discuss heavy things. But I think allowing my children to be because that's how I find you discover yourself. I think there were someone who, even if we don't want to look at ourselves, we are constantly looking at ourselves and, and trying to figure out stuff. So that makes us very aware. And that's another thing, I think I am very empathetic, and it's rough. But it also makes it that I've never, my children have never come to me and said something. And I said, Oh, I mean, it's just a crush, don't worry about it. Do you know, because to me, emotions are so big, and so valid, that that's what I brought to my children was. Speak your truth and validate when other people are speaking their truth. That was like my superpowers that I passed on to my kids. And I think we're, we're probably very goofy, we're allowed to be goofy. And that too, I think is a wonderful thing to give to your kids that growing up doesn't exist. I just get older. We all think we're still like 20 or whatever. In our head. We're like, Are you sure you're an adult? So that parents, I allowed my children to see my vulnerability. Because I don't know how not to be vulnerable. I am vulnerable at times. And so, and I wasn't less of a human to them. They could see my strengths. I think that's another thing we shows. We don't have a choice that we are who we are. So, we show them what a human looks like, like really look like, a lot of us grew up with parents where they were talking about things while the children didn't know. And you know, oh, no, it's adult time. You know, you'll understand when you get older. That was like that famous thing because I you know, I'm still waiting to get older apparently, I'm not old enough for certain things. And I think that was my, I allow my children to question allow my children to define themselves. And I think a lot of Autistics are just like that. We're just like I said, it's natural for us. So, it puts our children at ease. And I'm not saying there's not because we're humans, we have to Okay, as much as Autism brings these wonderful aspects and these challenges. There's also our history, our upbringing that we have to go through, and we have to deal with, and sometimes, you know, we can have moments that were just sucky people. And it has nothing to do with Autism. It's just as a human. But because it is who we are, and regardless of what people some people may think, you know, don't look for Autism. When today and you're like, okay, everything that is in my life is affected because I'm Autistic. I don't know how not to have a look at things without seeing it through my Autistic eyes. Going to my Autistic brain,

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Right, yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, that's true. As Autistics we really can't think or respond as a as a neurotypical person, because we're not. You'll hear Becca Lory Hector, and several other others of my guests also talk about that. We make the conversations about what being Autistic means we normalize those conversations. So that it's not, it's not the unusual, the whatever, but we normalize it, you know. And the thing is, as an Autistic mother with an Autistic son, it's a normal conversation between you and him. And so, part of what you do is you helps show what can happen when you normalize those conversations.

 

Rose Carriero

I fully agree I've been allowing myself to be myself is allowing my son, my children to be themselves. But again, that had to be worked on because you need a safe space to do that. You know, and a lot of times, a lot of didn't grow up in that safe space, either at home or at school, or even now at work. So, you can't be yourself, you can't even live your truth. Daily, daily, constantly, and that eats you up. So as a mom at home, I was lucky that I was able to just I mean, I'm in my house so I can have my safe, I created my safe space. And I proxy my children got that safe space. And so yes, being, you know, we listened to cartoons all day all the time. We echo, we script, we script like everybody's scripts, but it's my youngest son that started that. It's my youngest son that would script his emotions out. And now we find ourselves doing it. And we, all of us, we know, whatever we script, we all know where we are. We all understand what's going on. And right away it comes. Or yes, it like you said, it becomes typical in our house to be neurodiverse, which is very rare. But that's my goal. My goal is that when you look at us, you don't see, like you said levels or lists. You see, Philip, and you see Rose, and you see, you know, you were saying that, you know, it's not linear not only is not linear, and yes, it's round. But even our struggles are not static. You know, there's some things I will, at one point, be really good at. And for whatever reason, a year later, I'm going to struggle with it and there is reasons is that I'm running out of spoons, is it because I don't have you know, support. So, to go okay, not all you regressed. I've heard down, you regressed, you're more Autistic, and you're like, No, the, what's going on around me, the support that I had, or whatever I had was ableing me to do these things. Is not there or not to the point that I need it. And that's what I meant when I said, sometimes society will add things that make your life difficult as an Autistic. And it's not because you're trying to be mean or they're not. I think it's they're not aware they're not aware of. If you put a ramp everybody can go up. If you put stairs, not everybody can go up.

 

After this final commercial break, Rose will talk about how she celebrates Mother’s day, followed by Today’s Autistic Community Bulletin Board.  Please stay tuned.

 

Commercial Break III

 

 

Future Shows

On May 21^st, Eric Garcia returns to Today’s Autistic Moment to talk about Unmasking Your Authentic Autistic Self.  Eric is the author of We’re Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation.  Eric will discuss the risks of unmasking for Autistics and why unmasking is so challenging.  Eric will also talk about what is happening with all the anti-trans bills being passed around the country and the consequences they are making for Autistics to unmask.

 

Dr. Devon Price will join me for our Pride Month special episode on June 4^th: What Successfully Autistic & Queer Really Means.  When most people hear the words successfully Autistic & Queer, they digress to what those words mean from a neurotypical, ableist and straight point of view of what success is.  Dr. Devon Price who is the author of the books Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity and Laziness Does Not Exist will talk about what being successful as Autistics and Queer really means. 

 

On June 18^th, I will be joined by Daren Howard who is the Deputy Director at The Autism Society of Minnesota for the episode Autistic Fathers Celebrate Father’s Day Too.  In a society where neurotypicals are “normal” and ableism is accepted on a conscious and sub-conscious level, a father is the masculine bread winner in the family who is a model of self-discipline and ingenuity.  Daren will talk about what being an Autistic father means for him.

 

July and August will be the second annual Summer of Self-Care Series with shows about creating good boundaries, self-care during emotional avalanches, self-care after an Autistic diagnosis/identification, and Autistics Transitioning to Adulthood. 

 

Check out the Future Shows page on todaysautisticmoment.com for all upcoming shows.

 

Thank you for listening to Today’s Autistic Moment.

 

 

Segment 4

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Let's sort of wrap this up by answering the question. When do you celebrate Mother's Day? What do you celebrate?

 

Rose Carriero 

Our time together. Yeah, I time together. I know that I tell my kids. If you want to give me a gift, tell me a memory of us that you enjoyed. Coming when you know, so that I can hear back those great moments. Because you know, I mean, we don't remember them all. And I know there's so many. There were there were so many. So that was my gift. My gift is I get to see them. We get to make memories. And do I get today's gift? Rarely do I care? Not really. Because I mean, I don't say no to gifts. To me the gift is sitting down and talking about us as children. And so that's how I celebrate it. I like telling other mom’s things about them as a mother that I witness, and it brought joy to me. So that's my way to celebrating moms and dads.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, yeah. Let's please take care of one stigma that is a constant one that runs amok. I'm going to say the one that says that Autistic children do not tell or show their mothers that they love them. Can we please dispel that one?

 

Rose Carriero 

Yes. I can tell you I have two siblings. And as the only Autistic daughter. My mom got so many gifts through me. And she loves to lose date because it's like, and my children are constantly either. Like I said, neurodiverse I have a daughter who I'm sure we've tested. She knows that she's Autistic. She just doesn't have a diagnosis. But either way, all my children are these kissy, kissy. Huggy, huggy. We're constantly holding hands. We're constantly because to us we're safe. So, if your children aren't should I say your children? If there's someone in your life that is having a hard time going towards you? It's not that they don't want probably, it's that they don't know how. And so. And there's also I'm gonna say, Oh, my parents have expectations of what? Saying, Mama, I love you. They love me. Yes, but those two times they hit you on the head with their head softly. That was and I love you, too. So, it's what, you know, let's, let's, let's talk about how Autistics love, and how we show love. Breaking the toy in half and giving half to you. I did that that was my way to show when I was small, it just makes sense to me.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you know, all of us Autistics, we are unique. We do have our ways of saying things. Sometimes, if we're if your Autistic child is comfortable, stimming in front of view, that's actually a sign that your Autistic child feel safe with you. You know, and if your child, if your child isn't stimming, and it's constantly stimming on their own, you might want to think of a way of letting them know that you're a safe person to stim with. That they don't feel like they're doing anything wrong. You know, my podcast over the last few months has been described as a safe space for Autistic Adults to share their points of view. And if you want to start to make your home, a place where your Autistic child will feel like it's home, you need to start with listening to your child's voice or concerns. Don't make them feel like they're that unusual. And don't make them feel like they're asking something wrong. Give them that sense that they're in a safe space where they can be themselves and feel like you are receptive to them. Even if they aren't everything you would like to be and recognizing they’re unique. You know, I think I think I think I think you're right. I think the expectations of some is just assuming that if it's not the way you think it should be, then it's not occurring. And if there's one thing Autistics can certainly do is, you will find that once they find that way of feeling like they're safe with you, they will actually exceed your expectations. Right?

 

Rose Carriero 

Yes, O yes. I believe we live this year you're talking about we live this. My son was in having melt up continuous meltdowns. Everything was just so much for him. And for reasons. He lost all services in school and everything. And he came home for a year, and then COVID hit. And so, it extended. And I did it. I made it my mission to make him as safe as possible. And we haven't had a meltdown in over a year. Everybody keeps saying like he goes to school now he goes to he does this work program. And that's all I did. That's all we did was give him a place when he has a meltdown. Trust Him. When they're struggling and even self-harming trust them. Trust Him. Trust her that she is doing the best she can. The moment it's not a don't it's a can't. And that was another big thing. Believe that they're not doing this to piss you off. They're not doing this to be difficult. Believe in the innocence of that that hurt. It's not about the parents too. I know parents get slapped a lot, especially when your children are having meltdowns. You're kicked. You're bitten I believe me. I know all that. But it's not personal. Right? No, it's just someone struggling enormously. They can do this they can do this. If you if you know if you support them and you make like you said they feel safe and make them, feel okay and accepted. They will those meltdowns are gonna go down. So, I agree that’s dismissing or taking apart these ideas of, you know, so many times I see parents going, he only has two hours on the iPad. And the rest of the time. No, he's gonna go do other things. And I am telling you, I get goosebumps because I'm like, but I think of me my books were my safe space. And somebody had told me you get two hours a day to read. I would have been depressed. I would have. Yeah. So, it's, you know, those things. Don't worry. Believe in your child, your child is helping himself. He is this what he's doing is actually making him grow. So, there's safe means a lot of things. And I think that's another thing parents think safety means there's a lock on the door. We look after them. They have what they need. But usually those are physical needs.

 

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Right? Yeah. Yeah. And Autistic needs are what they are. And I we're getting we're getting to the end of this conversations, but Zephyr James said this way back when I did my first show with her about COVID-19. And I remember Zephyr saying that every time we seem to want to have this conversation about addressing our Autistic needs, comes this. We're talking about other things right now; we're adjusting other things right now. And Zephyr said appropriately. And I think it's worth repeating. You know, it is always a good idea to prioritize your Autistic needs. And, and the last, the last piece of advice that I'm going to leave is that you need to help your Autistic child. And if you happen to be an order, neurotypical son who has Autistic parents, you need to let them know that if it's okay for them to prioritize their Autistic needs. You will not get anywhere by invalidating them, You will not help them by saying they're not important or whatever. Their needs are important because this is how they look after themselves. No, this upcoming summer, I'm gonna have some guests on who we're finally going to have a conversation about Self-Care after being late identified or diagnosed, because there is such a need for people to know how they can look after themselves. Part of that, looking after yourself, is giving yourself permission. To just be your best Autistic self. And to put it plainly, that hell with everybody else. Well, Rose, thank you so much for coming on, you know, when you come on, you really do talk from the heart, I feel it, I hear it. And it's so important that people hear this and to my many Autistic mothers. Keep believing in yourself and what you're doing and reach out to the communities where you can find your supports. But as I've often said, Don't let anybody tell you that because they're Autistic, you're any less human or any less important than anybody else, because that's simply not true. And unfortunately, we do internalize those messages. But you don't, you know, the thing is, let him go, you know, deal with them. But it's okay to feel good about being Autistic. It's imperative that you would recognize it's, you know, how wonderful it is to be Autistic. And whether you're a child or an adult, parents or not, you matter. So, I think that's how we need to end this today. So Rose, thank you for being on today. Go ahead.

 

Rose Carriero 

Thank you. Oh, I just want to say that everything you said was perfectly said. It is exactly where that's the first that sets that we need to take to all of us. We need to make sure that we're all on that step that we all are allowed and have the place to be who qw are proudly not you don't have to be proud of yourself all the time. But I fully agree it was well said. And I have to say thank you again for inviting me. This is yeah always so much fun to exchange with you and be able to offer my little Autistic tidbit.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. And you do it very well. Like I say my audience receives it very well. I know they do. All right. You're welcome.

 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

 

Today’s Autistic Community Bulletin Board

 

All of these events with their links can be found at todaysautisticmoment.com/bulletinboard

 

Join The Autism Society of Minnesota for their Adult Coffee Club.  The next Coffee Clubs will be on Tuesday nights from 5pm to 7pm at Dogwood Coffee in St. Paul on May 16^th. June 6^th, June 20^th, July 11^th, July 25^th, August 8^th, and August 22^nd.  Coffee Clubs will also be available at the Milkweed Café in Minneapolis on Monday May 8^th from 5 to 7 pm.  Please RSVP at ausm.org.

 

Understanding Autism virtual classes will be offered by The Autism Society of Minnesota. These classes are perfect for Autistic individuals, caregivers, those who want to understand the basics of Autism and support Autistic people.  Classes will be held on May 15^th from 10am to 12 noon. Classes are free of charge, but you must register to attend.

 

On May 9, 2023, beginning at 7pm to 9pm Dayna Nelson will present a virtual skillshop at The Autism Society of Minnesota entitled: Communication Differences and Conflict Resolution. Communication differences for Autistic people can be very challenging to navigate when there are social nuances, lack of directness, confusing body language, and difficulty understanding receptive and/or expressive communication. During this skill shop we will discuss differences in communication and the nuances behind them.  You will learn proactive strategies for communicating effectively and resolving conflict when there is a disconnect.

 

Join the Autism Society of Minnesota for the 23^rd Annual Steps for Autism in Minnesota on Sunday, May 21^st beginning at 9am to 12noon at the Como Lakeside Pavilion, located at 1360 Lexington Pkwy N in St. Paul, Minnesota.  All of the money raised goes towards Autism organizations in Minnesota.

 

For more information including the summer recreation catalog with all of the sensory friendly activities at the Autism Society of Minnesota go to ausm.org

 

 

Matthew the #ActuallyAutistic Coach has room in his Finding Your Autistic Self Group Coaching Groups. In the groups, participants learn about unmasking strategies, coping tools, burnout & post-burnout support and much more. Go to autisticcoach.com and click on Autism Groups for more information.

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is sponsored in part by Looking Forward Life Coaching.  Looking Forward turns stumbling blocks into stepping stones towards success.  Go to lookingforwardlc.org for more information.

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is here because of the generosity of the sponsors and supporters.  Please join the supporters by clicking on Support Today’s Autistic Moment on todaysautisticmoment.com.  If you work for a company and/or organization that supports Autistic Adults and the movement for Neurodiversity, I would love to have you sponsor ads on the show.

 

If you would like to sponsor an ad and/or have questions about Today’s Autistic Moment, please send an email to todaysautisticmoment@gmail.com.

 

Thank you for listening to Today’s Autistic Moment: A Podcast for Autistic Adults by An Autistic Adult.

 

May you have an Autistically Amazing day.