Autistic Fathers Celebrate Father’s Day Too

Segment 1

 

 

Transcript

 

Autistic Fathers Celebrate Father’s Day Too

 

June 18^th, 2023

 

Welcome everyone to Today’s Autistic Moment: A Podcast for Autistic Adults by an Autistic Adult.  My name is Philip King-Lowe. I am the owner, producer, and host; and I am an Autistic Adult. Thank you so much for listening.

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is a member of The Autistic Podcasters Network. Please consider joining the Autistic Podcasters Network on LinkedIn.

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is a free podcast that gives Autistic Adults access to important information, helps us learn about our barriers to discover the strengths and tools we already have to use for the work of self-advocacy. 

 

This first segment of Today’s Autistic Moment is sponsored by The Autism Society of Minnesota: Minnesota’s First Autism Resource.  For over 50 years The Autism Society of Minnesota has been honored to support Minnesota’s Autism Community. Visit them online at ausm.org.

 

Thank you for joining me for this episode Autistic Fathers Celebrate Father’s Day Too. My guest is Daren Howard.  And Happy Autistic Pride Day.

 

Please visit todaysautisticmoment.com where you can listen to the podcast, get transcripts, program updates, and read the guest bios pages.  Please visit the Future Shows Page with the titles, guests, and descriptions of all the shows coming up through October.  The transcripts are sponsored by Minnesota Independence College & Community. The transcripts can be read and followed from the website.  There is a link provided to get access to a document form of the transcript that you can be printed so it won’t use up the ink on your printer.  The written document transcript has a font that is accessible for dyslexics.  While visiting the website, please consider supporting the work of Today’s Autistic Moment with a financial donation or purchase an item from the Logo Shop.

 

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During the last episode, Dr. Devon Price spoke about gender norms being so restrictive.  The discussions about gender norms have been the focus of many legislative laws that have been introduced and passed around the United States.  Neuro norms and gender norms are restrictive.  It is what happens when we attempt to put every person into a box that is supposed to mean that everyone is essentially the same and therefore anyone who is outside of that box is to have laws made that limit our equal rights.  The discussions that my guests and I have been having are giving the gender nonconforming individuals and Neurodivergents our opportunity to tell our stories in an atmosphere where our stories are taken seriously.  Today’s Autistic Moment is a safe space for Autistics to share our experiences without being silenced, disbelieved, or spoken over. 

 

Today is Father’s Day.  It is a day that was created to honor the father figures of our lives. Traditionally, the fathers are the men who gave us life, and inspired us with the masculine drive to succeed and to be tough and disciplined.  The societal gender norms of how a father should be is just as restrictive in who an Autistic father should be. 

 

Daren Howard is the Deputy Director of The Autism Society of Minnesota, is an Autistic parent of an Autistic child and a nonprofit leader for more than 15 years.  In addition to serving as the Deputy Director of The Autism Society of Minnesota, he also serves as a member of the Board of Directors at InPlay, a nonprofit that seeks to increase equitable access to after school and summer learning programs.  Daren earned his MBA at California State University Dominquez Hills.  He lives in Apple Valley, Minnesota with his spouse, Jacks, their child and their pets Ziggy and Ricky Bobby.

 

After this first commercial break, Daren will talk about being a father before and after his diagnosis, what relating to his child is like for him, and how the development of what being Autistic means through the years has helped him to parent his child.  Please stay tuned.

 

Commercial Break I

 

 

Segment 2

 

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Well, Daren, welcome to Today's Autistic Moment. I have been really honored to meet you at events by The Autism Society of Minnesota since you became Deputy Director. So, welcome to the show.

 

Daren Howard

Thanks for having me. It's a privilege and I appreciate the opportunity to connect more with the community and contribute to the show.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Thank you. Thank you so much. Well, this episode is actually happening on Father's Day. Wow. And you know, this particular spring, I've been talking about the different views of parenting from one perspective, I had Rose Carriero on in May to talk about Autistic Mothers. And now I get to talk about Autistic Fathers with you. And um you know, I want to do this for several reasons, one of which the continuing misinformation that suggests that once we're over the age of 18, we are no longer Autistic, and therefore, it no longer applies to anything, we do past that which is, we know, it's nonsense. So, I wanted to really give Autistic parents the opportunity to talk about their experiences. So, with that, what important information do you feel that Autistic Adults in our caregivers need to hear and know about when we talk about Autistic Fathers? So, tell us about some of those experiences for you and what you think it'd be wise for people to know?

 

Daren Howard 

Well, I am, for those that don't know, an Autistic Adult, and the parent of an Autistic child. I got my diagnosis shortly after my kid was diagnosed. And this is a pretty common experience, I suspect, where, you know, I wrote off a lot of the symptoms and behaviors that are indicative of Autism as typical because they were so relatable to me, right? And, and once we were able to get a diagnosis for my child, it became pretty clear that, that I exhibit the same sorts of behaviors and had very similar needs. Now, our sort of skill profiles are different for sure. And I'm an adult and, and they're a child, but I sought diagnosis and started learning more and more about the community. And one sort of thing that stands out to me in all of that is the relevance of the early diagnosis, you know, this, the sooner we get this information, the better. As an adult, you know, I, I went through a lot of painful learning without fully understanding myself, and I'm hopeful that a childhood diagnosis will spare my son some of that pain. I was diagnosed, or the potential diagnosis of Asperger's and ADHD was floated when I was a kid, and that obviously is, you know, the appropriate diagnosis at the time. But it wasn't really pursued. And I don't think that the broader community understood the implications the same way that we do now. So, I generally just encourage pursuing diagnosis. As soon as it seems like it might be relevant.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. Before his diagnosis, and before yours, what was that relationship like for you?

 

Daren Howard

Well, oh, and a friendly correction that I didn't mention. I have an eight-year-old son. They are turning nine next month, and they have decided that their pronouns are they/them. Okay. So, still my son, they/them pronouns is kind of how we're handling that, in that.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Okay, thank you.

 

Daren Howard 

The challenge before diagnosis was that there were a lot of difficulties for my son that we didn't expect and hadn't prepared for. My prior to becoming a parent had worked with young people, for 10 15 years, something like that, in various, you know, educational and nonprofit settings, and I have a lot of skills for how to support kids. It'd be a little less with babies at the time that my son was born. But you know, I was, I was well prepared to be a father. And then we face these challenges with, with sleeping, with feeding, with the bathroom later with reading and things like that, that threw us through a bit of a loop. And the tools that I would use with other kids that I thought would be an asset as a parent weren't, and I honestly just wasn't prepared for how hard it would be.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Right? Yeah. And what about what sorts of things did happen to you before you were diagnosed? Can you talk a little bit about that too?

 

Daren Howard

Sure. I am a child of the 80s. My formative years in the 90s. And at the time, the psychiatric community's understanding of Autism was improving. And the diagnostic criteria was different. And the terminology was different, as I'm sure that your listeners will be familiar with. But there wasn't a great deal of support. So, I fit the sort of profile of, you know, a highly intelligent, a little bit hyperlexic, I'd say, as a kid, but socially awkward, and had sort of repetitive behaviors, and struggled with understanding the expectations for me. And I, you know, and my challenges were exacerbated, I think, a bit by the school system, because my intelligence was seen. And I was able to participate in like gifted and talented programs and get access to educational supports that I don't think other students had. But without the support for my executive functioning skills, and my social skills, I really did struggle and was lonely, and I was depressed. And I didn't think very highly of myself because I was used to excelling, say academically, but then with executive function challenges, I would struggle to stay on top of things, and kind of felt like a failure all the time. And as you can imagine, my family didn't have the language or tools to really address those things, either. So, it's typical of the American teenager, but I was a pretty depressed and anxious teenager. And I mostly got by by the fact that at least the academic portion of school is not terribly hard for me.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Right. Um, as I was putting together the description of this particular show, among the things that I wrote, that I thought would be of interest is that in a society where neurotypicals are normal, and ableism, is accepted on a conscious and unconscious subconscious level. A father is the masculine breadwinner in the family, who has a model of self-discipline and ingenuity. And so, because that's how, that's the general idea, I think of how fathers are perceived or understood. And maybe I'm overthinking it's probably probable, I'm overthinking. But, you know, when you think about your role as a father to your, to your son? Um in what ways do you feel that your being Autistic is shaping your, your ability to be a good father to your children? Do you think it's enhancing that ability? Do you think it's? Obviously, we know the challenges that we'll get to that in a little bit. But, um, basically, you know, talk a little bit about how your Autism is, is, you know, helping you be the best parent you can be. Does that make sense?

 

Daren Howard 

On the one hand, my Autism is a great asset and being a father to an Autistic kid, because I understand them. And I have exhibited similar behaviors that they do now, I have as an adult worked through a lot of those challenges and created either the coping skills or the life skills to manage that stuff. It's also a challenge where we are different, and our skill profiles are different, of course, but I think one of the things that I would emphasize around fatherhood, either as an Autistic man, or fatherhood to an Autistic child, is the is the problematic perception of masculinity in our society. When I was growing up, what informed my picture of manhood and masculinity, included things that I think we can all agree are pretty toxic now. And at even at its best, you know, the sort of like, well, I'm going to provide for my family sorts of values that are perfectly reasonable, became really challenging for me as an Autistic person, because every career setback that I had, which I realize now often related to disability was devastating, and really affected my self-worth. Now I’ve gone through years of therapy and worked on a lot of that. But it has been a challenge. It's also it informed my own gender expression, and how honest I was with myself, you know, the images that we have of fathers and of men, especially when I was developing as a teenager, and what I was, in particular exposed to, were toxic such that, that a nuanced sexuality couldn't be addressed that that you know, a man's man as a man, he likes boobs and butts, I don't know, I don't want to get you an exclusive rating in the in the podcast store. But my sexuality is not that simple. And that's the case for a lot of people. And I couldn't reconcile that until I became an adult. But what's been powerful, in terms of compensating for that is that despite all of my struggles in in that space, and figuring out what masculinity and fatherhood meant, for me, the Autistic community has been incredible. And the Autistic community, as many folks will know, overlaps a lot with a lot of other communities, the broader disability community with the LGBTQ community. And, and in general, I would say that as I've learned and grown in my own expression of manhood and fatherhood, it's informed my parenting and unlike me as a kid, my child is able to do things like question gender, and, and have a safe and free conversation about their body, for example, in a way that's age appropriate. Yeah. And that is in large part because in this neurodiversity affirming movement, I've surrounded myself with people over the years that have challenged my preconceptions that I was initially raised with, and that informed my fatherhood.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. Wow, that's a superb answer. Great job there.

 

After this next commercial break, Daren will talk about barriers such as the resources that are not available to prepare parents to parent Autistic children. Daren will talk about advocating by understanding his child’s needs.

 

Commercial Break II

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The 4^th of July is coming up in a few weeks.  July 4^th is not the best day for many Neurodivergent people and those with PTSD because of the fireworks.  The sound of fireworks can be a terrible trigger for the auditory sensory processing needs of many Autistics.  If you are affected by the sound of fireworks wear your noise cancelling headphones to decrease the volume of the fireworks noise, and/or find a safe space where you can fidget or do something to distract you.  If you are a caregiver of an Autistic person of any age who is affected by such sounds, please do not make them attend the fireworks as the brightness of the lights and the loud noise from them can have serious repercussions.  Let them wear noise cancelling headphones without saying negative things to your Autistic individuals who react to these sounds.  They are not pretending, nor do they need to be made to feel that they are doing anything wrong.

 

Thank you for listening to Today’s Autistic Moment.

 

 

Segment 3

 

Philip King-Lowe

Well, as always, I'd like to move into barriers right now, what are the barriers for Autistic Adults? As we talk about Autistic fathers, you know, who are celebrating Father's Day. And so, my last question before the break here, we were just talking about the challenges of how masculinity has been understood in the past and how toxic that can be. But I also want to borrow a little bit from what Rose Carriero spoke of when we were talking about Autistic Mothers. And that is, there's almost nothing in one's childhood education, that prepares somebody to be an Autistic parent. You know, there's like nothing that really, until you get that until you are identified, and you start to learn more about your own Autistic Self. So, you know, in what ways might that have been a barrier for you, as you know, begin to embrace your embrace your identity as an Autistic father? You know, go ahead.

 

Daren Howard 

Yeah, that's a that's a great question, Philip. The, there aren't like books, or at least there certainly weren't books about being an Autistic parent, some kind of what to expect when you're by acting and Autistic is not like, I don't know. It would be, it would be great to have something like that. And, and as I said, the Autism community has only improved my parenting and contributed to it. But being an Autistic parent is challenging. I've spoken a bit about the personal aspects of that. And I think I want to answer your question by speaking to sort of the, the policy aspect of it. And that's that there is not enough resources. Being coherent is challenging. And while I might have abstractly prepared myself for the possibility that I could raise a child with a disability, I think I was largely unprepared for the particular disability and for the lack of, of support structures, starting with access to testing and diagnosis. I mean, it's terribly hard to access a diagnosis for economic reasons, for practical reasons. And for what seems to me like very intentional reasons, on the part of the industry to keep barriers up and minimize the number of people that can provide diagnosis. Most therapists can't bill insurance to provide a diagnosis. And that's the that prevents people from even just the information of knowing their diagnosis, to allow that to inform their parenting. So, if I'm having a meltdown, as a parent, and not understanding why that might happen. I'm not going to take care of my needs. And I won't be able to take care of my children's needs. In this picture of the airport of the airline map, oxygen mask coming down is salient hair where, where you have to put your own mask on before you help others. And in this case, knowing that I was Autistic probably would have made parenting a lot easier in the early years. The other side of that resource question is the actual services and supports and therapies that might be beneficial to adults or children who are Autistic. there simply aren't enough of them. And the majority of the funding, unfortunately, goes to only a few types of treatment, some of which are highly controversial, and there's just a lot of other things we can do to support Autistic people. And in order to make that happen, we're going to need to see more public funding and more insurance reimbursement and that sort of thing.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, I would agree with that. Um, you know, I want to kind of bounce with my listeners and also you at one of the terms that is now in the process of changing. One of my former guests, Carole Jean Whittington now refers to it to, instead of calling it a diagnosis referring to it as an identification. We're starting to do that, because we're trying to get away from medical models a little bit. Because, you know, and her idea is to say, say that, in her case, she refers to herself as late identified. Because it is my observation personally, that the more that we focus on the medical model, not that it's not important, but the more we focus on that without, without giving attention to the social needs, I think that is where a lot of the lack of funding and the lack of the lack of resources comes in. You know, you've been talking a lot about the Autistic community as a whole, which was a great point that David Gray-Hammond and I spoke about when we when we had that show about The New Normal, that, you know, the word disorder is a social construct that brings with it that message, there is something wrong with you. And part of the problems that we're seeing is not understanding that Autism is a is a neurological difference, not necessarily a "disorder.” But of course, we also need that and know that, to get the needs met, we have to have a diagnosis. And we have to be said to have a disability. And that's part of the problem with the whole picture. Rather than understanding that we have, we have fathers who will have different needs, kind of prevents us from saying, okay, they have these different needs. And so, let's provide them with the resources and tools they need to help them with making informed decisions. It's really difficult to make informed decisions if you're not informed. You know, and so I think one of those barriers that you're talking about, and I am, I'm so glad you are, is that it's difficult to make decisions if those decisions are not informed. And what we're lacking is information to help Autistic parents, fathers, mothers, nonbinary parents, make those informed decisions. Am I right about that?

 

Daren Howard

I think so. And there's a lot of wisdom in the voices that you're referencing there. Something to add to it. Go ahead, is that this is, you know, as Autistic people, we might be inclined towards some black and white thinking, that's a common trait, not for everybody. And we might benefit from not just differentiating between identity and disability but understanding the relevance of them. I think of there's this book called Black Disability Politics by Sammy Schalk, that I highly recommend, and the general thesis of the book is to, is to, to tie the civil rights and black power movement to the Disability Justice Movement and demonstrate that they the relevance of how interconnected they are. But one of the sort of sub ideas in the book has to do with identity and, and part of why the book was necessary was because we don't see identification with disability as common in those movements. And, but we do see the work. Right. And part of it has to do with what identity might mean for a population or an individual who has been racialized in that way. Right. The things that make it hard to be black in America are largely institutional and systemic, and there are actual mechanisms of oppression. And there is this identity that has to do with culture and heritage. Disability has a similar sort of experience, or Autism has a similar experience where there is an identity and there is community and identifying as Autistic. But part of that identity is acknowledging the systematic oppression that disabled people experience.  And on the other sort of end of that, that piece of the conversation identifying with being disabled, is something that I've observed, a lot of people are really uncomfortable with. Members of my own family are, are disabled and won't identify with it or access disability resources. And part of that is internalized ableism and shame. But part of is just our capitalist societal structure where your identity could be anything you want. But you have to be productive. And if you're not going to be adequately productive to take care of your own needs in this hyper individualistic society, then you have to ask for help. And in order to be worthy of help, you must have some sort of legitimate disability. All of that is super toxic. I and so I appreciate the inclination towards owning the identity. But I also want to acknowledge the importance of a disability not being a bad word, nothing to be ashamed of, and b leveraging our disabilities to access the resources that our community needs.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And that's why actually, David Gray-Hammond actually spoke very well, when he said, actually, the Autistic community is actually what he calls queering the language about disability to make it quite clear that disability is a form of oppression. Really, with the way that we approach it. So, I like what you said, and I like the eloquence with which you said it. And I do think that's very true. Now, I always like to turn to advocacy, which I think is the more most important part of this, and that is, what steps should Autistic Adults and our supporters take to advocate for the needs of Autistic Fathers? And, you know, in this particular question if you would, in me, everybody. In recognition of the theme that I'm using during 2023, the strengths and achievements of Autistic Adults. I think it would be a great thing, if you would, as part of advocacy, for you to talk about, you know, what you believe your strengths are, as an Autistic father, maybe you already talked about this, but let's maybe give it another, another look and say, you know, these are the things these are things that strengthen you, but they're also the things you're achieving, as an Autistic father. And please go ahead with what you want to say to that.

 

Daren Howard

Sure. First of all, as an Autistic Father, I find that just identifying what that experience makes me a better parent to an Autistic kid, obviously, not all Autistic fathers are parenting Autistic kids. But where we are, we relate to the experience in a way that a neurotypical parent, likely can't. I don't want to say absolutely can't but most of the time, can't relate. And relating to our kids, understanding their needs, being able to hear them when they articulate their needs, is the best thing we can do. We're not going to get it right every time we're not going to be able to apply every parenting practice with perfection. What I mean to say there is that I can be inconsistent in my discipline and, you know, expectation setting and that sort of thing. But I have an opportunity as an Autistic parent, to empathize in a way that is particularly unique and I have observed, especially when we're talking about children, that parenting advice often hinges on a focus on the behaviors that the child is demonstrating. Yes. And behavior is communication. If the child is stimming, if the child appears unregulated, is having a meltdown, those sorts of things. The thing to intervene with is not the behavior, the stemming the meltdown. The thing to address is what is triggering the behavior. And what is my child trying to communicate with that behavior. Neurotypical parents can absolutely do this. But I think that my experience as an Autistic person who has those behaviors, and during my time in which I was undiagnosed, spent years suppressing those behaviors. With limited success, I know, kind of what to look for. The third, the other sort of piece to highlight here is that Autistic fathers, and mothers and non-binary parents can be part of an Autism community, that includes other Autistic Adults, other Autistic children, teenagers, professionals in the space, and advocates, so we can learn from each other in a powerful way. And I think that that not only supports the actual advocacy efforts that we that we make but supports our own advocacy for our own needs and for our child's needs.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. I like your answer. And what you just spoke about, too, is and Rose Carriero did a great job by emphasizing that, as an Autistic Mother, and I have a feeling that you'll say the same as an Autistic Father, you have done what you can do to make sure that when you're your son, when they are stimming, it's a safe space for them to do that without feeling like they're done something they shouldn't do. You know, part of part of, you know, being a good, a good, a good parent, is letting them know that they're safe with those things in your presence. Especially as we continue to work through a society, educational systems, etc., that still wants to make those things so unusual that they have to be they have to have some "correctional therapy" to fix them. But what you provide is a place where they're safe to express those needs. And as you just said, where you suppressed them, you now know, you can be free with them, and therefore help your son so they can be free with them, too.

 

Daren Howard

And I have to tell you, Philip, that I haven't always been successful with that. And it's ongoing educational process, for sure. But I think that there was a period, when I had less understanding that I may not have been personally embarrassed by my kid’s behavior but understood the social norms and expectations as such to know that, like there was certain behavior that was not appropriate in a space or not permissible or could be embarrassing. So, I didn't internalize the embarrassment. I think that's a form of projection. But I certainly thought like, Oh, this is embarrassing behavior that may intervene. And I'm just not only have I grown more into my, into myself, and I see my kid growing more into themselves. But we know that there's just nothing to be embarrassed about. There are safe behaviors and unsafe behaviors. But there's no there's no behaviors to be embarrassed about. And I think that that is a, at least for me, was an ongoing journey.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah. Rose Carriero brought up a topic and by the way, there is going to be a show coming up this Fall about this very topic as to how to deal with when you're with your when you're somebody who's Autistic with another Autistic individual. Whether that'd be a child or another adult or whomever. And your sensory, your, your triggers are theirs, they're soothers, and they're soothers or your triggers. But until we get to that, can you help with the advocacy piece? I mean, have you found yourself having to deal with that? And if so, how have you dealt with it?

 

Daren Howard 

Yeah, that actually is the center of the challenges that I experience parenting my particular kid. We're both Autistic, but our needs, and sensory needs are so different. And it's very common for an Autistic individual to say, you know, be sensory sensitive, in most contexts, but sensory seeking, and some. The challenge when it's to people who are living in close proximity is that, you know, let me give you some examples. My kiddo is sensory seeking, in physical affection, which is beautiful, and expressive, is there like stimulates themselves expresses their sensory needs noisily. So, this is a kid basically, that makes tons of noise, wants to wrestle, and cuddle, and be all over me. And, as you might imagine, if you've interacted with me in person, the, I am not super affectionate. And physical touch is not like off the table or anything but is not comfortable for me. And so, my kid is climbing on me and making noise, and I want silence and space. And that results in some fights, you know, some conflict. And so, I, you know, I'm the adult, so I have to, on some level, set my needs aside, and, and be the parent that my kid needs me to be in the same way that I might set my needs aside to be the partner that my partner needs me to be. But I'm also allowed to set boundaries, I'm still figuring this out. But one of my boundaries is my face, don't touch my face. And so, I have to remind my kid on a pretty regular basis, don't touch my face. But at least they understand that that is a no-go zone, where we're not going to, we're not going to get along if there's a lot of touching my face.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, um, again, to you and my audience. Because these, these points have been made. I am working on a show for the fall, it's going to be about overlapping triggers, and soothers and Autistic relationships, it's what's going to be.  And because not just Autistic people, but we can also be in the presence of other neurodivergence are others who have sensory needs, that can overlap. And sometimes making your compromises with those things can be a very, very significant challenge, I like to say to be more politically correct, but to say it nicely. It can be a challenge managing those things. And so, like I say, I'm going to have a show in the fall that that talks a bit about that.

 

After this final commercial break Daren will talk about his work at The Autism Society of Minnesota followed by Today’s Autistic Community Bulletin Board. Please stay tuned.

 

Commercial Break III

 

 

 

Future Shows

July will be the start of the second annual Summer of Self-Care Series.

 

On July 2^nd, I will be joined by Matthew Lawrence The #ActuallyAutisticCoach for Self-Care Through Creating Good Boundaries.  Autistics have the right to have boundaries that keep us safe from abuse.  Autistics are often told that we do not keep the boundaries of others, but we have neurotypicals violating our boundaries all the time.  Matthew Lawrence is a life coach who works with Autistics to develop good boundaries.  Join Matthew and I as we talk about the boundaries that Autistics need for our personal health.

 

On July 16^th, Michelle Markman will return to Today’s Autistic Moment for Self-Care During Emotional Avalanches.  One experience most Autistics have had is emotional avalanches.  You feel really happy one minute, then the next, something happens and your emotions avalanche and take all your happiness with them.  Michelle will join me to talk about some great self-care tips for Autistics in those emotional avalanche moments.

 

Check out the Future Shows page on todaysautisticmoment.com for all upcoming shows.

 

Do you have any topic ideas for future episodes of Today’s Autistic Moment?  Go to the Contact Us page on todaysautisticmoment.com and submit your topic suggestions.  Go to the page for Be My Guest to submit a Guest Intake Form if you would like to be a guest.

 

Thank you for listening to Today’s Autistic Moment.

 

 

Segment 3

 

 

Philip King-Lowe

As you prepare to celebrate Father's Day, as you're celebrating Father's Day today, so sorry. What are you celebrating as an Autistic Father?

 

Daren Howard

That's a potentially powerful question. Yeah.  I am. I said earlier that I thought I was well prepared to be a parent and was shocked at how hard it was in my particular situation. And that is true. And what I still am celebrating this year is my kid, and everything they are. The fact that I am doing this one for a while I wasn't really confident I could. Just enjoying being a father, right, enjoying being a parent. And the other piece that's on my mind is the way I have talked about my kid and the way that folks talk about Autistic kids, or even ourselves and our needs. And there is this. There's this language going around about severe Autism. And it is sort of a rebranding of low functioning Autism. Yes. So, for the benefit of the listener, most folks know this, we've moved away from high and low functioning labels, and have worked hard at communicating that the spectrum is not a linear line, but a diversity of experiences. And yet there are members of our community who are more meaningfully disabled than others in their life experience. And that's valid too. So, we try to be affirming, and what affirming means is respecting and celebrating everyone. And when we reduce Autistic people to their capability, in our capitalist society, or how much support they need, how much independent function they can have. We use language that is harmful. And they hear us. Yes. So, you know, maybe in this conversation, where we talked a little bit about parenting, and I, the obvious connection there is that your kids hear you. They hear you the way you talk about them, say talk about them with respect, and celebrate them, no matter what they need from you. But the other piece is for those Autistic parents, and speaking in this moment, for Father's Day to Autistic fathers and nonbinary parents. You might have been told that you couldn't do this. In fact, given the prevalence figures, maybe a third of our community has intellectual disabilities. And you might for that reason also be being told that you can't do this. That you’re not qualified. And, you know, if you're considering becoming a parent, you need to work hard to get qualified before you jump into that pool, right? But the reality is, there's nothing about Autism, that means you can't do this. You might need support, so get the support. But believe in yourself as well, that that no matter how folks have talked about you, you deserve to have a full and rich life. And if that includes parenting, and it doesn't have to for all of us, then that's on the table.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, that that is that is beautifully said, Daren. And I'm grateful for that. As we prepare to close this, would you care to talk a little bit about your work and your experience in your first year as Deputy Director at The Autism Society of Minnesota? We were at the conference. And it was a great conference, actually. Lots of great things going on. So, tell us a little bit about your work at AuSM. And, and, and tell us what, what things you may be working on? What AuSM is working on? And let's start with that.

 

Daren Howard 

Yeah. Thank you. And for those that did get a chance to go to the conference, you may have interacted with my kid who was there for one of the days.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, I did. Actually, they came up to my table with Ellie. And when I said oh, by the way, your Dad's gonna be on the show. Their eyes lit up. It's like, really? Oh, that sort of thing. So yeah. So that was great. Go ahead.

 

Daren Howard 

Yeah, yeah. And I think that their career dream right now is probably to be a YouTuber. So, they probably think this is pretty cool. But yeah, so if you were at the conference, you might have had a chance to interact with my child. And you know what, frankly, you're welcome for that. More to like, my experience, I'm loving this role. I feel like this role was made for me, that I have something unique to contribute. And we're working on making it more so, but the reality is, The Autism Society of Minnesota is a neurodiverse, friendly employer. And a neurodiverse employer statistically as well. But it's not just the numbers we are working hard at creating that kind of space. And, and I'm proud of that, and I'm pleased to be able to work there. I've never felt safer to be myself in a professional setting. Agree. And here's my shameless plug for AuSM. We are working on a ton of new things for the next few years. So, for those that don't know we have counseling services we have. We have summer camps with educational programs, we have advocacy work. And you can always simply call us and ask questions and we will answer them for free. The reality is that AuSM is here to serve, we are growing as an organization. And I want to strongly encourage people to stay connected to us. So, if you don't know how to do that, here's my shameless plug. The website is ausm.org.  And I want to encourage people to not just sort of follow us on social media, and maybe subscribe to the newsletter. But to really think about becoming a member of The Autism Society in Minnesota. It costs a small donation, and it supports the work, but it also puts you in a position to engage with all that work at a higher level. I think that we will be creating new roles and hiring people in the future, I think that we're going to have more volunteer opportunities in the future. A lot of exciting stuff to answer what's coming up immediately, we are going into summer. So, as we go into summer, there's lots of programs hosted by our education department, whether they're recreational programs, or learning opportunities, or support certification programs. We're also opening our summer camps, obviously, this summer. And these camps are incredible. They provide that sort of traditional summer camp experience that you might have in your mind when you think of a sleepaway summer camp. And we do it for Autistic campers, youth and, and adults. And it's it, it makes that accessible to folks that otherwise would not be able to participate in a lot of cases. So, I'm very proud to work at The Autism Society of Minnesota. And I want to encourage people to connect with us directly, as much as possible, because we will let you engage as much as you want to.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Yeah, and this includes people from outside Minnesota, I think we should say that. Because I'm saying as a host who has interviewed many people from various parts of the country, even parts of the world, some which are doing better than even the US are doing. But I also know that there are states that just do not have an incredible resource like Minnesota, and you know, my viewers know that The Autism Society Minnesota is an important part of my life. Back in 2017, they actually helped rescue me from a life of isolation and feeling like I didn't even know myself very well. And, and, and, and or where I might go in terms of a career or in terms of things, I might accomplish for myself. And for me, The Autism Society, Minnesota helped answer those questions, many of them and they're still continuing to do so. You know, I work alongside Eric Ringgenberg, who does a fantastic job with the educational programs, and they all really encouraged me when I started Today's Autistic Moment to do it and they had and AuSM continues to do so. So, for those of you who do live in areas that you don't have a resource like this, of course, you're free, you're welcome to connect with The Autism Society of Minnesota in one way or another. And be assured that while we are only in Minnesota, that that the work that we're doing certainly can have an impact on Autistic people, even outside of Minnesota. So, I have to give that plug for that. So yeah, I think that's true. Yeah, absolutely. Well, Daren, this has been a fantastic conversation. And, wow, I'm so glad that that you, you came on today. And thank you so much for what you are doing at AuSM. And I'm so glad that it's all working well for you and for the community. So, thank you very much for this time.

 

Daren Howard

Thank you for having me. This has been an absolute pleasure.

 

Philip King-Lowe 

Good. Thank you so much.

 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

 

 

Today’s Autistic Community Bulletin Board

 

All of these events with their links can be found at todaysautisticmoment.com/bulletinboard

 

Join The Autism Society of Minnesota for their Adult Coffee Club.  The next Coffee Clubs will be on Tuesday nights from 5pm to 7pm at Dogwood Coffee in St. Paul on June 20^th, July 11^th, July 25^th, August 8^th, and August 22^nd.  Coffee Club meetings will be at the Milkweed Café in Minneapolis on July 17^th, and August 14^th from 5pm to 7pm. Please RSVP at ausm.org.

 

Understanding Autism virtual classes will be offered by The Autism Society of Minnesota. These classes are perfect for Autistic individuals, caregivers, those who want to understand the basics of Autism and support Autistic people. Classes will be on August 21^st from 2pm to 4pm.  Classes are free of charge, but you must register to attend.

 

The Autism Society of Minnesota is now accepting applications to be a presenter at The Autistic Community Summit on October 14^th, 2023.  Go to the weblink on todaysautisticmoment.com/bulletinboard/ to read the information and apply before June 30^th. 

 

For more information including summer recreation and sensory friendly activities at The Autism Society of Minnesota go to ausm.org

 

Matthew the #ActuallyAutistic Coach has room in his Finding Your Autistic Self Group Coaching Groups. In the groups, participants learn about unmasking strategies, coping tools, burnout & post-burnout support and much more. Go to autisticcoach.com and click on Autism Groups for more information. While visiting Matthew’s website, be sure to check out the Free Autistic Discussion Circles for Autistics of various age groups, careers, students, and ethnic groups.  I recently participated in a group for Autistic Elders over 40 years old and it was a great experience.

 

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is sponsored in part by Looking Forward Life Coaching.  Looking Forward turns stumbling blocks into stepping stones towards success.  Go to lookingforwardlc.org for more information.

 

Today’s Autistic Moment is here because of the generosity of the supporters and sponsors.  Please join the supporters by clicking on Support Today’s Autistic Moment on todaysautisticmoment.com.  If you work for a company and/or organization that supports Autistic Adults and the movement for Neurodiversity, I would love to have you sponsor ads on the show.

 

If you would like to sponsor an ad and/or have questions about Today’s Autistic Moment, please send an email to todaysautisticmoment@gmail.com.

 

Thank you for listening to Today’s Autistic Moment: A Podcast for Autistic Adults by An Autistic Adult.

 

May you have an Autistically Amazing day.