I have been thinking back to a few situations I have been in over the years. I was once in two different situations. In both of them, when I was being who I am as an Autistic person, they said that I had not shown growth, or I was back tracking. When my behaviors may have appeared more neurotypical, they suggested that I was showing tremendous growth. I know my experiences have been shared by many other Autistic people.
Autistic people are Neurodivergent. According to Nick Walker who is the author of Neuroqueer Heresies, in her essay Neurodiversity Terms and Definitions Neurodivergent "means having a mind that functions in ways which diverge significantly from the dominant societal standards of normal." In addition to being Autistic, I am ADHD. Nick Walker would suggest that I am "Multiply Neurodivergent." What the word growth means for me will be unique from what it means for neurotypical people. I would also venture to say that if someone is Autistic, but has not yet been identified, they too might be tempted to suggest that my behavior is an indication of my personal maturity.
I have published to new shows in the last four weeks during which both guests have talked about masking. Eric Garcia was featured on the show Unmasking Your Authentic Autistic Self. Dr. Devon Price spoke on the episode What Successfully Autistic & Queer Really Means. Both guests made the point that the problem with masking is that the people around you never get to know the real you. As long as Autistics tuck our characteristics behind a mask and pretend that we are neurotypical, when we cannot possibly fake it; the less we know our true selves and the people around us won't either.
Autistics will think, respond or not respond differently than neurotypical people do. Each Autistic individual will think, feel and respond differently than another Autistic person will. The problem is not whether Autistic people grow up in ways that the neuro dominant culture expects us to. The problem is that the neuro dominant culture has yet to appreciate that there are people who's brains are unique. If Autistics are not accepted by certain groups of people, it most likely means that the NTs have yet to catch up with accepting those who are a different neurotype. Autistic people will grow and develop in ways that are unique to neurotypical people. But, that doesn't mean they have not grown or developed at all. And neurotypical people, quite frankly, have no right expecting that we will think or behave in ways that they presume are indications of how much we have or have not matured.
As an Autistic gay man, I am who I am. Over these many years I have struggled, questioned and gone through so much psychotherapy to better accept and understand myself. Now that I have reached that goal, I am very happy in being who I am. I believe I am who I am supposed to be. There are ways in which I am gender non-conforming. I have long hair on my head. I love men and/or those who are trans or nonbinary who's body is more like a man's body. I don't like sports. I do not go out to parties or bars. I do not drink alcohol. I am not into cars, motor boats or carpentry work. I do not like motorcycles. I detest hunting. My social circles are made up of LGBTQIA+ people as well as straight people. Many of my great friends are Neurodivergent. Others are not. I know what groups of people I do well with, and those that I don't.
So, quite frankly, if I have not "grown up" in the way you think I should have, GET LOST! I will be happy with who I am and how I am growing as I am.
And for Gods sake, let LGBTQIA+ people, black people, Autistics and the marginalized be themselves without passing judgment or being violent against them. It won't hurt you to let us be.
