This blog post will sound like a complete play on words. I have been struggling with someone who is finding it difficult to maintain their boundaries, yet expects others who respect their boundaries.
What might be a solution?
Let's start with this.
Who's boundary is this?
Let's start with what I may need to do.
Say this
I am going to make a boundary for myself. At 4:00pm, I am going to do my own self-care. I will not be texting, or talking to anyone. Please do not text me or speak with me until 6:00pm.
Why might this work?
The boundary is mine. I am taking ownership of it, and the ultimate responsibility for it.
I am communicating with everyone to let them know what I will be doing. I will be maintaining this boundary for myself.
Because I am taking ownership and maintaining the boundary, I will be asking others to respect it.
Do not say
I am going to be doing my self-care at 4pm. This is my boundary and I need you to keep it. Do not text me between the hours of 4:00pm and 6:00pm.
Why might this not work?
I have just handed my boundary to you. I am asking you to keep my boundary.
I am handing over the responsibility for my boundary to you, to maintain it.
Since I gave the boundary away, I no longer own it.
Another way to say this is if I do not take ownership of my boundaries, and the responsibility to maintain them, it can mean that I am not showing up for my boundaries, instead I am giving others the responsibility of owning them and maintaining them. If I have trouble maintaining them, I may need to ask others to provide the supports I need to respect them for myself.
Another example, if I am not going to be texting while I am doing my self-care between the hours of 4pm to 6pm, I am going to turn off the notifications for my texts and all of my chat apps. I am going to log out of my Facebook page, turn off the ringer on my phone and/or send all my calls to my voice mail. I am not going to talk with someone who calls my name. I am going to put my headphones on, and play music so I can enjoy my self-care time. In so doing, I am putting the boundaries around myself. And I am not going to give others my permission to cross them.
If I do not maintain my boundaries for myself, I cannot place that responsibility into someone else's hands. I can ask for their supports so I can maintain mine. But ultimately my boundary is my responsibility.
Your boundary is yours, you own it, you maintain it, I will respect you and leave you to maintain it.
I am interested in knowing who understands what I am writing. Or if there is another way to say them?
