Earlier today I was talking with someone I know about going to a new place. The scene will be something I am not used to, and I anticipate that I will have a lot of challenges with communicating my Autistic needs. The person I was talking with said some words I have heard too many times. "Just be yourself."
I have heard those words more than a dozen times in the course of my life. I was told to just be myself when I go to an interview. I went to the interview, and I was being myself, and I didn't even get the common courtesy of an honest answer as to why they did not hire me.
Once I was on a retreat with a group of people. When we met for meals, we would meet and get acquainted with the people who owned the house where we were retreat guests. One of the hosts asked me, "Tell me about yourself." I had to think a little longer than he was expecting to be sure I had an answer for his question. Then I mentioned my name and then said "I am Autistic." What were the next words from the hosts mouth? "You didn't need to tell me that." How absolutely rude. You asked me to tell you about myself, and when I did, you told me that I didn't have to tell you about myself.
I have gone into the offices of people I have asked for help when I found myself in the presence of an unreasonable and nasty person, taken completely by surprise. When I consulted a different person I spoke to, who knew the individual I was going to see, they told me "Just be yourself." Well, I was myself. I was honestly inquisitive. I answered their questions thoroughly. Yet, the individual was anything but polite, understanding and accepting of my particular diversity.
The truth is, many Autistics mask their characteristics because our culture and our language are almost never acceptable. We are either too loud or too soft when we speak. Our body language is saying things to someone else, while we have no idea what our brains are even thinking at the moment. Our attempt to be polite and agreeable was "rewarded" to us by the other completely insulting our intelligence. Someone shows us a picture of someone they admire and compares us to that individual, and says, we are nothing like that. Excuse me, last time I looked, no two people are exactly a like.
In the end, most people tell us to "just be yourself" until the other learns that we are Autistic. When they learn that we are Autistic, suddenly they respond to us by giving us the most condescending lecture about how they think we should be. In a social situation, we get told by some neurotypical person "just do like him and/or her, and you will be fine." What a minute! You just told me to be myself. Then you told me to be like someone else. You cannot have it both ways. Some how telling people that we are Autistic and not masking to be compliant, is an invitation for others to infantilize us, pity us, ignore us and/or talk about us with others in the same room where they are, thinking that we cannot hear them.
I think Autistics like myself need to exercise our right to be who we are with each other and others, by accepting ourselves and using that self-acceptance to become happy and empowered. We may need to find ways of communicating such as using cards with words, texting, or AAC devices. We may need to make good use of scripting, plain language and easy read. When we ask a question to get a specific answer, and they get more vague with their answer, tell them "thank you for your time, but you have not been helpful." The problem is with them, not you.
The use of Autistic Communication and Language starts with how Autistics live and Communicate with other Autistics. If you haven't heard the first show in April 2024 Autistic Language & Culture with Rachel Cullen, I encourage you to listen to it.
When someone says "just be yourself" then tell them, okay, and talk to other Autistics in the many languages we use. Talk with other Autistics to get some ideas of some ways that others have found helpful in similar situations. But whatever you do, never apologize to anyone for being who you are, as you are, and being happy to be Autistic, Neurodivergent or any other identity that is you. It will mean finding people who are similar, or being on your own to be who you are in a safe space. Whatever you do, just be yourself. Love yourself and others, as the wonderful Autistic person you are. And be sure that you are doing your own self-care because you deserve to.
May you have an Autistically Amazing day.
